She designed a life she loved.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Things have been a little bit...unexpected.

To say the least.
I would have to say that who i though i was, and where i thought i would be five years ago is nowhere close to the reality of right now.
Its actually so much better.
Who would have thought that through all the broken plans, big whoopsies, blonde moments, and planned out bad decisions...that i would finally be here.

Here are two examples of my big NO WAY, NEVER GONNA HAPPEN situations of the past:
1. never gonna be a nurse. why? its sick. i don't want to wait on complaining, annoying people. i want to have a glamorous job. i am not patient enough for anything so how could i ever be patient with someone else and their problems? i will be the meanest nurse ever.

WHAT ENDED UP HAPPENING...I struggled through senior year feeling aimless and unmotivated. i knew i needed to make a decision one way or another of what to do with the next few years.  I have never been one of those people to just play my life away without putting my goals first, but i realized at that point that i needed to actually make the goals in order to accomplish them. but what? i literally shopped through careers like i was picking out clothes and none even lasted longer than a couple contemplations. i can describe the moment that all changed so perfectly because for me it was one of the best moments of my life. so far. the thought of being a nurse passed so quickly through my head that at first i completely trashed it and remembered my previous reasons (stated above) why NOT to do that. but then for some reason it stuck and i couldn't see myself doing anything else. it was an answer to a prayer and it felt like the strongest anchor in my life. you can't mistake an answer and i couldn't deny what i felt. so literally from that instant on i have put my whole heart into something that i know is right and have felt so much happiness come from it.  and it is not the glamorous job that i wanted at all, but there is something so beautiful about this kind of work that it is so much better.

2. i will NEVER work with old people. i will NEVER EVER work in a nursing home. why? i am not cut out for that. it makes me uncomfortable and its so gross, seriously. 

BUTTTTT once again it was one of those passing thoughts that i couldn't get out of my head. I can't say that it was easy following this prompting either.  The first day of my Nursing Assistant  clinicals i went into my car and cried the entire 30 minute lunch break because i had spent the last 3 hours caring for someone with CHF and barely breathing. i was soo discouraged with what i had gotten myself into but i was $1000 in and only a few clinical days left. Well, i passed school and got myself a job that i wasn't at all excited about. but something in me just knew it was something i needed. OH MY am i so grateful i was stubborn enough to stick it out.  my job is one of the biggest JOYS of my life right now. seriously.  i practically skip down the halls every morning. thats saying alot too if i am all of a sudden a morning person at 5:30 am. some of my old ladies at work even comment on how enthusiastic i am when i come in to get them up.  but working with these people has taught me so much about who i want to be and how i want to live.  i could sit at their feet and listen to them talk about their life for hours. my heart has probably gotten two sizes bigger since i took this job...not that i was an ice queen before but...
For instance, Yvonne-one of my grandma bffs was such a mom to me and a friend that i told her everything i tell my best friends.  she worried about me when i went out of town, knew all the gossip on the bf, gave me advice on living alone, and bossed me around without me even minding. The day that she was well enough to go to her own home, i felt like one of my pride and joys was leaving me.  i watched her come in so sick, get stronger, and leave so independently.  She still calls me every couple weeks to catch up

Bernice-biggest junk food junkie of my life. anyone was her best friend if you snuck
her a sweet roll. she totally got me hooked on zebra popcorn.

Herb-he never had anything nice to say. ever.  not about me, his room, the food, the people, his clothes, and especially not his age.  i think he practically resented everything. but in my opinion, it was just a tough exterior act he had going on because when we saw an animal abuse video on tv he cried for hours. and once he had a nightmare about a war experience he had when he was in his 20's and he was upset all day. he told me i didnt look like the kind of girl who could even open a book, but the day that i was moved to another station he asked everyone where the little blonde girl was.

Everything about who i am is strengthened through my work. I feel so blessed to be able to say that