She designed a life she loved.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


My mind seems to have been drifting quite often lately to the subject of creativity the last couple weeks. It might sound simple but if you were in my head you would realize just how broad and time consuming this subject actually was. The action of creativity is broad in itself and now i am complicating even the meaning! Seriously how do i manage to do this with everything?! Let me attempt to put into words the creativity of the this mess in my head that i have been fretting about. 
It started with my hair
and my clothes
my eyelashes
my makeup 
my airbrushing

very vain things yesss, but hey all great ideas gotta start somewhere! i started to stress with this ever-increasing list of vain to-do's and a decreasing amount of time to do it in. yes i am 20 and i feel like i have zero time for myself when i know that any mother would think this was absolutely hysterical. dont judge. in an attempt to de-stress i decided that creativity was exactly what i needed. how to be creative with my outfit, my hair, and overall appearance without a never ending time frame or bank account? 

and so my thoughts began to roll forward...

once my mind wrapped around the fact that creativity is a problem solver and was exactly what i needed i began to continue fretting. how do i manage in utah and be creative with my money? my time? my activities? and pretty hobbies?
sheeeesh i never realized how expensive all of my hobbies are. there will be much more sacrifice to moving away than i anticipated.

but i just can not NOT create.
thanks mom.
she taught me this when i was too young to know any better.
never was there a time that she didnt have a project of some sort on the table or in the laundry room.

she put lip gloss in my hand when i was two,
scrapbooking supplies in my hand when i was five,
a piano in our home and enforced practice time,
gave me a crochet needle when i was ten,
canvases to decorate,
an endless supply of glitter and crystals,
and the encouragement that anything i made was beautiful.

Creating something beautiful has become an outlet for me.
It taught me to turn to my own talents for comfort and give a piece of myself.
the only time i have ever been unhappy with something that i have made was when it didnt look like ME.
so then it brought me to the thought...just what is creativity?
a quote i found from president uchtdorf soothed my fretting and panic by quite a bit today...

"The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before—colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter"

Finally my thoughts and my heart connected when i read this quote. how true. creativity is simply creating something that didnt exist before. something from YOU. 
and i came to the conclusion that...i can do that wherever I am.
I dont need a bunch of money, glitter, scrapbooking supplies.
i dont need to haul my piano up to provo, keep adding to my buckets of makeup.
I don't have to be the martha stewart of decorating, or the bakerella of cookies.
i have everything that i need and i will take it with me up there.
How SIMPLE this all seems now.
Creativity is, but much more, then the vain things of daily living.
The creativity that I want to develop every day from now until my forever is the kind that is much deeper and not so temporary.
The creativity of managing time where i prioritize the right things first,
creativity in words so that others always hear what i really mean,
creativity in thought so that i am constantly thinking of what more i can learn,
Designing a future that I will be proud of once it has become my past.

She designed a life she loved.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I can't help but think about the last couple days what life will be like with Brady on his mission.
I get kinda emotional about it.
I start to fill clusterphobic when i think that next year at this time he will be on a mission.
Throughout hard times in our family and difficult things that I have gone through personally,
he has acted well older then his years and has held me together.
I am 20 and he is 18, but yet i look up to him? Ironic, but so true.
He is better then I ever could be and to me he is perfect.

Here's a story...
Once upon a time I was very attached to my kitty Sushidong.
He was my baby and i adored that cat.
One day he got very very sick and I took him to the vet along with Brady and my parents 
where I got the news that he was too sick to make it and needed to be put down.
I said my goodbyes to my little baby and fell apart at the vet's office.
I was sobbing so hard I felt sick to my stomach and had a headache and couldn't breathe
My heart was so so broken over that little cat and it took everything I had to say goodbye one last time.
After they put sushidong down, the vet gave us a little box with his body wrapped in a towl so that we could bury him wherever we wished.
I wasnt strong enough to even look at the box, but Brady picked it up and held it in his lap 
all the way to grandmas house and buried him in the backyard for me.
I can't even tell you how much this story has come to mean to me over the last few years.
I am so glad that I have a little brother who holds me together when I can't even deal with things.
Even something as simple as a cat dying, he was there for me and did something that I couldn't do because I wasn't strong enough.

Years later he has still supported me in everything that I have been through.
He came into my room last year while I was going through a hard time and reminded me 
to hold onto my goals, and remember how good things will get.
That night he became my friend.
I can't believe the person he has grown into and I am so proud.
I look to him for advice on how to treat others and how to stay strong.
And on top of everything he has this amazing talent of seeing right through people.
I always knew that whomever i marry had to be close to Brady, and had to have his approval.
Better yet, I hope he is alot like Brady.
I'll never tell him this in person...or at least not for a long time,
but if he didn't like who I marry it would most definately affect my choice. 
I would never tell him that I knew from the time we were young that he was special,
that he will do things I was never meant to, or ever could do.
I would never tell him that I can relate to him more than he could ever realize, 
and wish I could make all his decisions for him so that he will never experience heartbreak or regrets.
I would never tell him that I regret every time I didn't let him come out with me and my friends.
I wouldn't tell him that he was my first hero,
that I think of him when I hear the story of the stripling warriors.
I wouldn't tell him that I would pick him over any friend I have,
that being home when he is here is so much better then when he is missing.
I wouldn't tell him that I am starting to feel so sad about moving away and missing
his last few months before he serves a mission.
I probably wouldn't tell him that he really is funny all the times when I act like he's not,
and that I wish I had never missed a single baseball game.
I wouldn't tell him what choices to make and how to live his life but I wish I could always keep him close. 

After having family pictures today I am just so grateful to have all my family here, together. 
I have never felt more blessed. My heart is so full and I will never take that feeling for granted.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Things have been a little bit...unexpected.

To say the least.
I would have to say that who i though i was, and where i thought i would be five years ago is nowhere close to the reality of right now.
Its actually so much better.
Who would have thought that through all the broken plans, big whoopsies, blonde moments, and planned out bad decisions...that i would finally be here.

Here are two examples of my big NO WAY, NEVER GONNA HAPPEN situations of the past:
1. never gonna be a nurse. why? its sick. i don't want to wait on complaining, annoying people. i want to have a glamorous job. i am not patient enough for anything so how could i ever be patient with someone else and their problems? i will be the meanest nurse ever.

WHAT ENDED UP HAPPENING...I struggled through senior year feeling aimless and unmotivated. i knew i needed to make a decision one way or another of what to do with the next few years.  I have never been one of those people to just play my life away without putting my goals first, but i realized at that point that i needed to actually make the goals in order to accomplish them. but what? i literally shopped through careers like i was picking out clothes and none even lasted longer than a couple contemplations. i can describe the moment that all changed so perfectly because for me it was one of the best moments of my life. so far. the thought of being a nurse passed so quickly through my head that at first i completely trashed it and remembered my previous reasons (stated above) why NOT to do that. but then for some reason it stuck and i couldn't see myself doing anything else. it was an answer to a prayer and it felt like the strongest anchor in my life. you can't mistake an answer and i couldn't deny what i felt. so literally from that instant on i have put my whole heart into something that i know is right and have felt so much happiness come from it.  and it is not the glamorous job that i wanted at all, but there is something so beautiful about this kind of work that it is so much better.

2. i will NEVER work with old people. i will NEVER EVER work in a nursing home. why? i am not cut out for that. it makes me uncomfortable and its so gross, seriously. 

BUTTTTT once again it was one of those passing thoughts that i couldn't get out of my head. I can't say that it was easy following this prompting either.  The first day of my Nursing Assistant  clinicals i went into my car and cried the entire 30 minute lunch break because i had spent the last 3 hours caring for someone with CHF and barely breathing. i was soo discouraged with what i had gotten myself into but i was $1000 in and only a few clinical days left. Well, i passed school and got myself a job that i wasn't at all excited about. but something in me just knew it was something i needed. OH MY am i so grateful i was stubborn enough to stick it out.  my job is one of the biggest JOYS of my life right now. seriously.  i practically skip down the halls every morning. thats saying alot too if i am all of a sudden a morning person at 5:30 am. some of my old ladies at work even comment on how enthusiastic i am when i come in to get them up.  but working with these people has taught me so much about who i want to be and how i want to live.  i could sit at their feet and listen to them talk about their life for hours. my heart has probably gotten two sizes bigger since i took this job...not that i was an ice queen before but...
For instance, Yvonne-one of my grandma bffs was such a mom to me and a friend that i told her everything i tell my best friends.  she worried about me when i went out of town, knew all the gossip on the bf, gave me advice on living alone, and bossed me around without me even minding. The day that she was well enough to go to her own home, i felt like one of my pride and joys was leaving me.  i watched her come in so sick, get stronger, and leave so independently.  She still calls me every couple weeks to catch up

Bernice-biggest junk food junkie of my life. anyone was her best friend if you snuck
her a sweet roll. she totally got me hooked on zebra popcorn.

Herb-he never had anything nice to say. ever.  not about me, his room, the food, the people, his clothes, and especially not his age.  i think he practically resented everything. but in my opinion, it was just a tough exterior act he had going on because when we saw an animal abuse video on tv he cried for hours. and once he had a nightmare about a war experience he had when he was in his 20's and he was upset all day. he told me i didnt look like the kind of girl who could even open a book, but the day that i was moved to another station he asked everyone where the little blonde girl was.

Everything about who i am is strengthened through my work. I feel so blessed to be able to say that